Mind Games

I inhale sharply, smoke filling my lungs with every intake of breath. I struggle to see through the thick fog of smoke that surrounds me, where am I? what is happening? Questions flood my mind as crawl as quickly as possible in the direction of what appears to be like the exit to whatever this toxic wasteland that I am in is. For some reason the more I think about what the fuck is going on the harder it becomes to navigate my way out. As my mind fills with thoughts the fog thickens. After coming to this realization I quickly still my mind as much as I can and focus solely on the task ahead; getting out of this harsh deadly reality. I crawl for what seems like hours over rocky ground, cutting my knees with every step. Suddenly I knock into something, it feels solid like some kind of wooden doorway, I unravel the cloth I had tied around my head to protect my eyes and mouth from the harsh smoke to reveal a large wooden doorway. The door itself is painted a dark Mahogany and towers above me from my kneeling position. In my mind I weigh my options; stay in this wasteland filled with toxic smoke that seems to be impendingly bringing my death or open the door and step into the unknown. Of course the mind prefers what is known, it likes to stay in control, thinking it can predict what will happen next, believing it can forever have the last say. The voice of my ego-self begins to run scenarios of how I could possibly survive in the reality I am in, my mind fills with imaginary movies of possible solutions, yet none are tangible or permanent. Quickly I catch myself. I have come too far to be listening to my ego, to be living my life run by the voice in my head, it is wasting my time with imagination when really in order to survive what i am experiencing I need to be more present than ever, living completely in the NOW. This observation this witnessing of my thoughts this dis identification with my mind brings new possibilities, I feel a sudden urge to turn my head. Through the smoke I  faintly make out another door in the distance. New possibilities, more options, what should I do now? Listening to my higher self I am aware that the only way I will make a clear decision is if I listen solely to my intuition. A strange voice deep within murmurs the words; future or past? I know it means something, something more significant than I have the ability to understand at this stage, but I take a mental note to remember these words, it’s not like I could forget the eerily real sound of this voice even if I wanted to. Time is ticking, although I didn’t realize as I was caught up in my mind, the raspy sound of my breathe reminds me that if I stay in this place for much longer I will cease to exist. Fuck it. I push open the door nearest me, it seems like the most logical decision.

The door creaks open slowly despite my efforts to push it. As it swings further on its hinges I am presented with a vast network of passages ways, tunnels going off in all directions from the doorway, each pathway seems to hold an adventure, or is it a memory? I’m not too sure but I know that whichever path I choose to take will take me on a very different journey. Each pathway seems to represent a past experience by choosing to revisit whichever situation I  choose to I will be taken on a voyage of self-discovery and self knowledge. Something pulls me to the left, I choose one of the many thousands of avenues as though I couldn’t be clearer on where I wanted to go, as if I had known where to go all along. A gust of wind sucks me down the tunnel, I am enveloped in cold air that consumes my body and drags me with it tossing and turning my vessel violently till I land firmly on my feet in a beautiful meadow. The grass feels like soft carpet beneath my feet, the sweet scent of flowers fills my nose and the delightful sound of little girls laughing rings in my ears, a stream gurgles gently in the background. I recognize this place, something seems eerily familiar about the whole reality I  have just landed in. I walk close to the two little girls sat happily on a blanket under a grand old oak, the same tree under which i spent so much of my childhood… Then it clicked, the eerie sense of recognition, the oak tree, it was the very meadow behind the cottage in which i had grown up, so why did I have no idea what this memory held? One of the little girls looked up at me, for a minute I thought she was smiling at me, then I realized she was looking straight through me, smiling off into the distance. Again I was confused, it all felt so real, the whole journey from the minute I had woken up in the smoke filled reality. I had been conscious the whole time, how had I ended up in a past memory that was essentially dead, non- existent, unchangeable… The other little girl spotted a butterfly fluttering around in the warm summer sun and begun to chase it. She followed the little creature running off out of sight, down to the stream. A deep sense of dread filled my soul and a bottomless feeling of irrational fear and despair. I walk briskly with my younger self by my side, speeding up with the growing sense of urgency that consumed me. “Luna,Lunaaaa where are you?” my younger self shouted innocently into the air as she stumbled down towards the stream in search of her playmate. She was nowhere to be found. My younger self continued to search for her friend, walking up and down the banks. It was then that she heard a faint cry. “Help, Help, Help”, cried a desperate voice. I shifted my  gaze in the direction of the cries. Then I saw. Luna was trapped. She had wandered into the stream in search of the butterfly and had caught herself on some fallen logs, the water was rising quickly around her, it was almost too late, her cries were dulled by the gushing water that neared her mouth. Utter unbearable pain seemed to take me over. The realization smacked me in the face like the bitter cold of an icy winters day. I remembered everything at once , the download overwhelming me in every sense. The whole situation flooded into my conscious mind; how it had panned out, how I had tried to help my friend, how I could not. My mind went into overdrive, my body stiffened with fear and shock of what I had chosen to re-experience. Naturally I was overtaken by my mind. How could I rectify what I had failed to do before? how could I save little Luna from such a fatal end? As these thoughts entered my mind it was as if I was dragged into the reality I had created. I was uprooted from my position by the stream, carried as if by my thoughts, my thoughts of how I could potentially change the situation, of how I would act if it occurred again, if I just had one more chance to clue onto what was happening that tiny bit quicker… I traveled back down the many corridors filled at every twist and turn with memories from my past, out the door through the fogy reality I had been so trapped in, through the opposite door, down yet another corridor into yet another reality. The reality appeared the same at first, but something was different, something about the way I was observing it… I was sitting above the reality, above the  meadow, above the oak tree, above the blanket. I could see Luna playing beneath the tree, absorbed in her game of make pretend, so simply, so pure, so joyous, yet so unaware of all that was to come. I looked for myself but I was nowhere to be found, where was I? The whole event began to pan out exactly as it had before. Luna caught sight of the butterfly, she begun to chase, it disappearing out of my view down to the stream. When I moved my awareness down to the stream she was trapped just as before, caught under the logs, crying for help, yet this time there was no one to be seen. As the all to familiar feeling of dread begun to overtake me it suddenly made sense, the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. What this all was, why it what was all happening, it all begun to make sense. I couldn’t save her in any possible reality I knew I couldn’t. The past is dead. It is not possible in any sense to change something that has already happened since it has ceased to exist. The moment arises and passes, gone forever. I wasn’t here to rectify what was clearly mean to happen, I was here to accept, to come to peace with every single part of my journey no matter how horrific it had seemed at the time. I knew that now. I had chosen to re-experience the trauma of my childhood in order to heal what had been buried and suppressed for so long, for that was the only way I was going to live fully at peace in my NOW experience. I had allowed my mind to overtake me, to block out what had happened, to pretend it wasn’t once a reality. In that moment of complete anguish I had no idea how to react, I was only a child, but now I had been given an opportunity to heal and I was going to seize that with every inch of my being. For all those years I had focused so intently on what I would do different if it happened again, beaten myself up over what I could not change, I was only a child for fuck sake. Until one day the mind had exhausted all of its crazy scenarios, I had no more to think of, so I deleted the memory. It was easier than acceptance, a lot easier. But the mind and its endless cycles would never win, I had been shown that now. I guess it had taken something this drastic for me to realize this truth, to acknowledge the fact that everything will always happen how it’s supposed to and it is these experiences that make us who we are today, without them we wouldn’t be the incredible Gods and Goddesses of Love and Light that we are, therefore the version of self that is right here right NOW in all its beauty would not even exist. That’s what this was showing me, it was showing me how regardless of whether I was there or not Luna was fated to have passed from this realm at that point, it was her time to move on and that was okay. I acted exactly how I was supposed to in that exact moment, without it there would be no lessons, no realization, no growth. It all clicked, all the pieces of the puzzle falling together; ultimate clarity. It’s at that point that I found myself back in the foggy reality. But this time there was no fog, just clear blue sky as far as the eye could see. I inhaled, breathing fresh air into my lungs, every essence of my being infused with a sense of indescribable gratitude for who I was and everything that I had chosen to experience

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.