༻❁༺  My short stories are a combination of fantasy and circumstantial pieces I have researched, each with their own messages. I will be illustrating the spiritual teachings and truths I have learnt in the hope of demonstrating how it is only through application to our reality that we do such practices true justice ༻❁༺ 

“Its important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story you free yourself and give other people the permission to acknowledge their own story”                                                                                  ~Iyanla Vanzant~

Knowledge&responsibility~Georgetown Thailand

I have never felt more grateful or blessed to be who I am where I am. When you are surrounded by people who have so little, give so much and continue to smile, spreading their Love an Light even through the darkest of times, you learn to give endless gratitude for everyone and everything life has bought you. Through my experiences and travels so far I have truly come to know empirically the harsh realities of what so many human beings on this planet have to live through and deal with every single day. The reality of how many people misunderstand the fundamental truths of humanity and morality whether by choice, circumstance or situation has never been more apparent in my mind or my heart. After a shocking conversation in which I discovered some horrific facts as to what has been normalized as morally acceptable ways to treat human beings I decided to reflect on my thoughts, feelings and opinions on the urgent matters at hand by sharing some words with the world, with a hope and aim that by relaying my experiences and thoughts I will help to plant a positive seed in the minds of those that need to hear and be reminded of the truths from which we have strayed so far.

A beautifully blue home in Georgetown,Thailand.

I was having the time of my life in Georgetown Thailand when I was made of aware of another reality of what life as a ladyboy is really like, one that truly shocked me. This story is only the tip of the iceberg of a very complex topic, it is a side of the story that is less well known yet impacted me in a huge way, encouraging me to do some research in order to share with you my knowledge of the situation so far.  As I’m sure many of you are aware ladyboy’s or ‘kathoey’ make up a shocking and rather significant portion of Thailand’s population. Estimated at around 250,000, it is possibly the most notorious sex industry in the world. Although there are many different reasons as to why so many young boys go on to transition into ladyboys or simply begin to dress as woman, and I acknowledge that some do lead normal lives working at makeup counters, hairdressers or beauty salons due to the accepting religion; Buddhism that is practice throughout Thailand, the story that I am sharing with you today is a more controversial and unheard of reality that I feel needs to be brought to light. The vast majority of ladyboys come from poor families who simply have no way of putting food on their tables, it then falls upon boys as young as 7 or 8 to either make this decision to transition themselves for the survival of their families or in worse cases they are sold by their struggling families to ladyboy schools. Many of these victims are subjected to a series of life endangering surgeries and ensuing estrogen treatments beginning at shockingly young ages and continuing throughout their lives. Once the transition has begun they continue to a life of sex work on the streets where they only face further danger from sexual diseases, drugs and crime in the world that will become their horrific reality for the rest of their short lives. A vast majority of these poor souls are broken both mentally and physically having been rejected, discriminated against and even treated violently for simply being who they are. So many of us in our world today feel overlooked, unloved or uncared and it is so crucial that we remember that we all possess inherent dignity, value and worth and deserve to be  loved, cherished and treated with respect no matter our color, race, religion, gender or social status. However despite living lives that the majority of us could never begin imagine surviving, let alone making something of, some of these uniquely beautiful individuals surpass all odds and go on to live happy lives. Although it fills me with a deep sense of sadness and pain to know how these beings of Love and Light who are just like me and you, have had to normalize such terrible practices in their lives, it also simultaneously gives me a sense of hope for humanity and an indescribable appreciation for such a truly beautiful illustration of the real strength we as human beings all possess so inherently. I think we can all learn a lot from such stories.

In my eyes it goes to show how powerful our minds really are and how much control and choice we have with regards to how we feel about a situation or circumstance. No matter what the external reality of your life you are more than capable of creating genuine happiness and positivity in your life. What this story really illustrates for me more than anything is how our power in the physical world can often be limited due to circumstance and situation but our minds will never truly be controlled. As soon as we start taking steps towards freeing ourselves from the social constructs and conditioning inflicted on us from birth we begin to take our lives and happiness into our own hands. With acceptance of what we “can’t” change we begin to appreciate every little thing that comes our way, therefore creating for ourselves happiness from the smallest of things. We as a human race have gotten so lazy. These people are forced to accept what they can’t change and create for themselves some inch of humanity, safety and security just in order to survive and remain sane, however with everything that a western society has to offer we no longer “need” to remember these truths to survive, therefore we ignore or do not bother with them. Through this we do ourselves a massive injustice settling for lives that are filled with materialistic happiness and no inner fulfillment or peace. Too many people in our western society today fill holes of sadness and lack of self-love with “stuff” that is really of no service to us and only contributes to the growing levels of waste and pollution in our environment. But most importantly we set a bad example for not only the future generation but every other human being who is not privileged enough to have been educated in these matters. When we begin to appreciate every little thing in our life our compassion for humanity grows to and it is with this compassion that we begin on our journey of understanding, empathizing with and therefore helping others. We begin to allow ourselves to treat others with compassion and respect because we can now recognize the need to treat ourselves and everyone with self-respect and equality. By sharing these thoughts with you I am not only reflecting for my own growth but also sharing my knowledge and beliefs with the world. I do this simply because I believe that with knowledge and education comes the responsibility to share our truths and teachings with those who are less fortunate in order to help raise the consciousness of humanity and protect the natural beauty and wonder that is still left in this world before it is too late.

Mind Games

I inhale sharply, smoke filling my lungs with every intake of breath. I struggle to see through the thick fog of smoke that surrounds me, where am I? what is happening? Questions flood my mind as crawl as quickly as possible in the direction of what appears to be like the exit to whatever this toxic wasteland that I am in is. For some reason the more I think about what the fuck is going on the harder it becomes to navigate my way out. As my mind fills with thoughts the fog thickens. After coming to this realization I quickly still my mind as much as I can and focus solely on the task ahead; getting out of this harsh deadly reality. I crawl for what seems like hours over rocky ground, cutting my knees with every step. Suddenly I knock into something, it feels solid like some kind of wooden doorway, I unravel the cloth I had tied around my head to protect my eyes and mouth from the harsh smoke to reveal a large wooden doorway. The door itself is painted a dark Mahogany and towers above me from my kneeling position. In my mind I weigh my options; stay in this wasteland filled with toxic smoke that seems to be impendingly bringing my death or open the door and step into the unknown. Of course the mind prefers what is known, it likes to stay in control, thinking it can predict what will happen next, believing it can forever have the last say. The voice of my ego-self begins to run scenarios of how I could possibly survive in the reality I am in, my mind fills with imaginary movies of possible solutions, yet none are tangible or permanent. Quickly I catch myself. I have come too far to be listening to my ego, to be living my life run by the voice in my head, it is wasting my time with imagination when really in order to survive what i am experiencing I need to be more present than ever, living completely in the NOW. This observation this witnessing of my thoughts this dis identification with my mind brings new possibilities, I feel a sudden urge to turn my head. Through the smoke I  faintly make out another door in the distance. New possibilities, more options, what should I do now? Listening to my higher self I am aware that the only way I will make a clear decision is if I listen solely to my intuition. A strange voice deep within murmurs the words; future or past? I know it means something, something more significant than I have the ability to understand at this stage, but I take a mental note to remember these words, it’s not like I could forget the eerily real sound of this voice even if I wanted to. Time is ticking, although I didn’t realize as I was caught up in my mind, the raspy sound of my breathe reminds me that if I stay in this place for much longer I will cease to exist. Fuck it. I push open the door nearest me, it seems like the most logical decision.

The door creaks open slowly despite my efforts to push it. As it swings further on its hinges I am presented with a vast network of passages ways, tunnels going off in all directions from the doorway, each pathway seems to hold an adventure, or is it a memory? I’m not too sure but I know that whichever path I choose to take will take me on a very different journey. Each pathway seems to represent a past experience by choosing to revisit whichever situation I  choose to I will be taken on a voyage of self-discovery and self knowledge. Something pulls me to the left, I choose one of the many thousands of avenues as though I couldn’t be clearer on where I wanted to go, as if I had known where to go all along. A gust of wind sucks me down the tunnel, I am enveloped in cold air that consumes my body and drags me with it tossing and turning my vessel violently till I land firmly on my feet in a beautiful meadow. The grass feels like soft carpet beneath my feet, the sweet scent of flowers fills my nose and the delightful sound of little girls laughing rings in my ears, a stream gurgles gently in the background. I recognize this place, something seems eerily familiar about the whole reality I  have just landed in. I walk close to the two little girls sat happily on a blanket under a grand old oak, the same tree under which i spent so much of my childhood… Then it clicked, the eerie sense of recognition, the oak tree, it was the very meadow behind the cottage in which i had grown up, so why did I have no idea what this memory held? One of the little girls looked up at me, for a minute I thought she was smiling at me, then I realized she was looking straight through me, smiling off into the distance. Again I was confused, it all felt so real, the whole journey from the minute I had woken up in the smoke filled reality. I had been conscious the whole time, how had I ended up in a past memory that was essentially dead, non- existent, unchangeable… The other little girl spotted a butterfly fluttering around in the warm summer sun and begun to chase it. She followed the little creature running off out of sight, down to the stream. A deep sense of dread filled my soul and a bottomless feeling of irrational fear and despair. I walk briskly with my younger self by my side, speeding up with the growing sense of urgency that consumed me. “Luna,Lunaaaa where are you?” my younger self shouted innocently into the air as she stumbled down towards the stream in search of her playmate. She was nowhere to be found. My younger self continued to search for her friend, walking up and down the banks. It was then that she heard a faint cry. “Help, Help, Help”, cried a desperate voice. I shifted my  gaze in the direction of the cries. Then I saw. Luna was trapped. She had wandered into the stream in search of the butterfly and had caught herself on some fallen logs, the water was rising quickly around her, it was almost too late, her cries were dulled by the gushing water that neared her mouth. Utter unbearable pain seemed to take me over. The realization smacked me in the face like the bitter cold of an icy winters day. I remembered everything at once , the download overwhelming me in every sense. The whole situation flooded into my conscious mind; how it had panned out, how I had tried to help my friend, how I could not. My mind went into overdrive, my body stiffened with fear and shock of what I had chosen to re-experience. Naturally I was overtaken by my mind. How could I rectify what I had failed to do before? how could I save little Luna from such a fatal end? As these thoughts entered my mind it was as if I was dragged into the reality I had created. I was uprooted from my position by the stream, carried as if by my thoughts, my thoughts of how I could potentially change the situation, of how I would act if it occurred again, if I just had one more chance to clue onto what was happening that tiny bit quicker… I traveled back down the many corridors filled at every twist and turn with memories from my past, out the door through the fogy reality I had been so trapped in, through the opposite door, down yet another corridor into yet another reality. The reality appeared the same at first, but something was different, something about the way I was observing it… I was sitting above the reality, above the  meadow, above the oak tree, above the blanket. I could see Luna playing beneath the tree, absorbed in her game of make pretend, so simply, so pure, so joyous, yet so unaware of all that was to come. I looked for myself but I was nowhere to be found, where was I? The whole event began to pan out exactly as it had before. Luna caught sight of the butterfly, she begun to chase, it disappearing out of my view down to the stream. When I moved my awareness down to the stream she was trapped just as before, caught under the logs, crying for help, yet this time there was no one to be seen. As the all to familiar feeling of dread begun to overtake me it suddenly made sense, the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. What this all was, why it what was all happening, it all begun to make sense. I couldn’t save her in any possible reality I knew I couldn’t. The past is dead. It is not possible in any sense to change something that has already happened since it has ceased to exist. The moment arises and passes, gone forever. I wasn’t here to rectify what was clearly mean to happen, I was here to accept, to come to peace with every single part of my journey no matter how horrific it had seemed at the time. I knew that now. I had chosen to re-experience the trauma of my childhood in order to heal what had been buried and suppressed for so long, for that was the only way I was going to live fully at peace in my NOW experience. I had allowed my mind to overtake me, to block out what had happened, to pretend it wasn’t once a reality. In that moment of complete anguish I had no idea how to react, I was only a child, but now I had been given an opportunity to heal and I was going to seize that with every inch of my being. For all those years I had focused so intently on what I would do different if it happened again, beaten myself up over what I could not change, I was only a child for fuck sake. Until one day the mind had exhausted all of its crazy scenarios, I had no more to think of, so I deleted the memory. It was easier than acceptance, a lot easier. But the mind and its endless cycles would never win, I had been shown that now. I guess it had taken something this drastic for me to realize this truth, to acknowledge the fact that everything will always happen how it’s supposed to and it is these experiences that make us who we are today, without them we wouldn’t be the incredible Gods and Goddesses of Love and Light that we are, therefore the version of self that is right here right NOW in all its beauty would not even exist. That’s what this was showing me, it was showing me how regardless of whether I was there or not Luna was fated to have passed from this realm at that point, it was her time to move on and that was okay. I acted exactly how I was supposed to in that exact moment, without it there would be no lessons, no realization, no growth. It all clicked, all the pieces of the puzzle falling together; ultimate clarity. It’s at that point that I found myself back in the foggy reality. But this time there was no fog, just clear blue sky as far as the eye could see. I inhaled, breathing fresh air into my lungs, every essence of my being infused with a sense of indescribable gratitude for who I was and everything that I had chosen to experience

An eyeopening experience~Sapa,Vietnam

Emotion drowns me. A wild range of conflicting feelings consume me; anger, injustice, frustration, passion and love, course through me simultaneously. Filled to the brim with what I can only describe as an intense claustrophobia, its at that moment that I know I will implode.

As I struggle to regain some control over myself, to make sense of all of these feelings, they begin to appear in my mind as fuzzy clouds. Confusion moves like a fog that engrosses my awareness completely. The burning sensation in my throat increases as I realize more and more that I lack so much power in this situation. My cousin and I had been walking up the main street of Sapa, Vietnam at 11:30PM after a night filled with laughter, drinks and connection. We’d just been to watch the football and were feeling extremely happy and grateful for everything in our lives.

The stunning countryside of H. Sa Pa, Tinh Lao Cait, Vietnam.

A young girl no older than five sits on the curb surrounded by her wares which she sells from a small aztec patterned blanket. She strives to comfort the heartbreaking screams of her little brother, his voice becoming hoarse from the relentless sobbing, will it ever end?

To me, it is apparent that these are the cries of a child who needs his mother, the only solution it seems we cannot provide. She is nowhere to be seen. Minutes pass, his cries for help continue. We fight to comfort him with water, food and cuddles, nothing seems to alleviate his piercing wails, my hearts breaks with every minute that I still cannot provide the help that is needed. I realize something in that moment. A very powerful part of who I am is revealed to me. A feeling that is almost compulsory. A purpose I need to fulfill.
As the minutes turn to hours our desperation to find a solution to what seems like an unsolvable problem increases. The child needs love, the love of his mother. To simply be held in her embrace, to feel the endless warmth and unconditional love that is so vital to every child’s wellbeing.
It stretches far beyond that, we all need human contact and connection, sometimes more than we need food, water and shelter, all of which is amplified at this young vulnerable age. When we are children we are essentially a blank slate; a malleable impressionable sponge which soaks up all the experiences we are subjected to. Every little moment of our lives is impacting us in some way, whether on a conscious or unconscious level, conditioning us in some sense, even if don’t want to recognize that. As we grow and evolve as beings, we have the choice of perspective, the choice to use all these experiences as opportunities to gain wisdom regardless of whether they appear to be “positive” or “negative”. Yet at this young age we are incapable of utilizing this silver lining; the transitory quality of an experience. The way that even the most horrific experiences offer us something beautiful; they become a part of who we are today, and that person, who ever it is that you are right in this moment, is exactly who you need to be.
I place myself in the shoes of the child, the child who does not have this knowledge, the child in front of me who is feeling so much pain and utter desperation. With this knowledge flooding my mind, I understood just how important it was that we did everything we could to rectify this situation as quickly as possible in order to help this child in every way we could and knew how.
Although the majority of the soulless population had ignored the dire situation in front of their eyes and continued on their journeys of ignorance, a small group of local women and older children had gathered to see if they could be of any help. We managed to communicate with one of the little girls who spoke a few words of english, she informed us that the mother was just up the road. I was shocked beyond words. Up the road? She had been there the whole time? Again my whole vessel begun to boil with rage and confusion. I ran up the road to find her, gripping the baby tightly to my shoulder. Sat by the road was a woman, a young woman no older than myself, she didn’t seem phased as I past the screaming bundle down to her. Why did she not care? I didn’t get it. However the baby was happy for now that’s what was important. Our work here was done for now. I tried to regain control of my emotions to stop myself from drowning in a sea of disempowerment, my mind fast forwarding to a thousand solutions yet non were permanent or tangible. I get that I am doing my part by simply doing as much as I can in any given situation, yes I am creating positive change but in reality do I really have the power to impact injustice properly? I solely feel a calling to help and aid others and by continuing to justify reasons as to why I can’t now or as to how I can’t is cowardice. I am a powerful passionate embodiment of unconditional itself and I will not allow injustice to crush my spirit, only to further motivate me to effect our planet and its people positively. Shocked and emotionally drained we made our way back to the hostel. Later I was to find out the horrifying truth of the situation we had been involved in. By trying to help the child we had attracted attention, attention that the mother believed could have bought the family money. We had prolonged the suffering of the child. All we had wanted to do was help but our lack of awareness of the situation had caused us to worsen what we had tried to rectify. How could we have known? Although utterly horrified I was determined to learn what I could from the intense experience I had just undergone.

It can be so  hard to fight your instincts when faced with a situation that affects you to such emotional depth, yet it is essential to distinguish between what is beneficial to your own well being and peace of mind and what is done from a place of what you believe to be moral duty. In my eyes, it was now important to be aware, that when overridden by emotion we can make decisions that don’t necessarily come from a place of clarity or of what is actually best for the individual in need. Many of us jump to the aid of humanity to simply satisfy the emotional ache that overcomes us when we witness those in hardship, therefore helping from a place of self gain rather than complete selflessness, whether aware of the reality of our intention or not. There is nothing wrong with the fact that for a lot of us helping others makes us feel like we are doing our part for humanity, the environment etc. Yet I also believe it is extremely important that we distinguish within ourselves where our motivation to act comes from; are we acting from a place of complete selflessness or is our quest to gain emotional satisfaction happening to have positive consequences for those involved?  It is an incredible thing that by helping others we help ourselves, but it is another level of inexplicable beauty when others give without reciprocation, without gaining anything personally from the act, simply knowing somewhere deep down in the depths of their soul that the natural laws of the universe are such that when one gives without any thought of personal gain the same gestures will be reciprocated back to them in some shape or form. I believe this is true morality; the act of giving without any expectation of any reward or reciprocation, to give and to act morally simply because you ‘know’ it is the right thing to do whether it makes you feel or warm and fuzzy at the time or not. On the other hand I guess what I am saying can become rather contradictory. One would ask does the exact same act become “more” moral if the person who acts does not gain anything from it? In this case I believe it does. Although inherently the same act has taken place it is the intention behind the act that truly distinguishes between the two.True morality is both correct in intention and action; an alignment of the two is what creates ultimate positive change. Through my experience I had come to understand this truth fully. I had learned hard, but i had learnt well. I had acted selfishly without even realizing it. I had unintentionally harmed another because i was consumed by an emotional ache which i had needed to satisfy. I was ultimately acting from a place of ignorance. The silver lining had been revealed, the wisdom gained through experience. The most essential piece in the puzzle to positive change in the world; awareness.