༻❁༺ Our thoughts and emotions are by nature impermanent, they arise then they pass. I have always used writing as a way to release these free flowing aspects of myself and to document realizations and lessons that have come to my conscious awareness. I have decided to share some of them with all of you, I hope you enjoy the insights into my inner world ༻❁༺

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions be the awareness behind them”   ~Eckhart Tolle~

We are stronger than we think we are

The stench of piss and feces hangs low in the air. A scrawny boy, bones protruding from his back, crawls up and down the filthy floor, scrubbing it’s surface with a determination that can only be survival.

As he looks up, his gaze meets mine. Dark eyes, as black as night, loom from hollow socket’s, telling a different story; one of desperation, sorrow and pain. Handing him what remains of our breakfast, I am overwhelmed with the harsh reality that has just stared deep within my soul.

I stare blankly through the bars of the train window, trying to comprehend what to think or feel. I feel ashamed, incomprehensibly consumed by guilt. A guilt that whispers nasty tales, ones that I should not continue to torture myself with.

Another voice enters my mind. “You deserve this, it is your responsibility to know. You cannot hide. Are you a coward?”  The voice hisses at me, it’s harsh words echoing inside my head. I have everything, but I still cannot help the millions who live without. What kind of person does that make me? 

Sadness fills my heart as I think to all the times I have felt hard done by, to the occasions where I have wanted more. I didn’t know and I still don’t, but at least now I see a little.

Sawai Modhopur

The rubbish, the chaos, the toxic fumes, everything is more intense here. Poverty stares you in the face. This is the harsh reality of life for so many millions of people, it can no longer be ignored. It is not some far off distant world, it’s right here right now; the only thing that is real.

The electricity goes; fan off, WiFi gone. The comforts of home are replaced with thick muggy air that consumes me, causing droplets of perspiration to trickle down my face.

Grateful is all I feel. So fucking grateful for everything and everyone in my life, for how lucky beyond imagination I am.

With privilege comes responsibility, duty to use what I have been given wisely. I honour those who do not have, by striving for change in a world of unequal opportunity.

Presence

As I sat on the train heading off on my first solo adventure I didn’t feel much at all. In fact, as my eyes wandered aimlessly over the rolling hills and green paddocks of the devonshire countryside, I felt empty. I guess in my mind I had expected to feel some excitement, some nerves, anything at all really. I had expected something. Instead; nothing. It was all about to begin, it was a big thing in my mind, my first time fully alone in the unknown. The ultimate illumination of the powers of my manifestation. What would my energy, emotions and thoughts create… Yet the sensations that consumed my body did not reflect the chattering of my mind. Strange, was the only way I could describe it.

I sat pondering, continuing to allow my eyes to drift over the now readily approaching city of Exeter. Suddenly something new popped into my stream of consciousness.

On my journey to live more presently, had I reached a point where I was unable to feel any emotion related to the future? Along with the release of any unnecessary anxiety or fear of the future, had I simultaneously lost the ability to feel excited for the future too? I felt excitement in my mind, but the sensation did not fill my body, it was a thought not an emotion. I was filled with disappointment. I wanted to feel excited. I begun to think about it more deeply.

By future emotions I mean emotions that are related to things that haven’t happened yet, emotions that spring from thought rather than from experience. In the same way that anxiety can be generated from a negative expectation of the future, excitement was simply its opposite, or more accurately a different manifestation of what was essentially the one. This makes sense when you think about how you sometimes feel nervous and excited all at the same time. You almost become confused as to whether you are nervous or excited, it’s hard to differ between the two. As I put the pieces of the puzzle together, I begun to see how I would only be excited if I was imagining something to go well. If I was expecting something to be good the sensations that arose in my body when I thought of the future were ones of excitement. Yet it was still an expectation. It was a logical contradiction. If I was to feel excitement, in the sense intended here, I would automatically open myself to the possibility of feeling anxiety of the same kind. They came hand in hand. If I was to free myself of unnecessary anxiety I had to accept that losing excitement was a condition. But why was I disappointed, why did I feel like it was a loss? I sat there almost laughing to myself. I am so used to being on a roller coaster of emotions, living, stuck on an endless treadmill of emotional intensity. I withstand the unpleasant sensations and relish in the euphoric ones, that’s how it works for most of us, I think… A constant craving for what we do not have. Now, in this moment, I had reached a place of equanimity. At this point in time I was totally at peace. I wasn’t feeling because I wasn’t expecting, I was present.  I was looking forward to whatever was to come, having surrendered any pressure on the outcome. I was able to think about my adventures to come without attaching weight to what would happen. Therefore I feel neither anxiety nor excitement. For the first time in my life I realized that if was fully present it would always be like this. I would not generate feeling from thought because I would not be attached to thought or idea. I would feel emotion only from what was generated in that moment. Emotion would come from my present reality rather than a mind created one. It felt real. It was truth.

Freedom – 12th November 2018

I feel a deep sense of freedom within me, a freedom that makes me feel utterly weightless. It feels different, something I have never experienced before. Its as if every part of me is infused with a contrasting sense of wild blissfulness. The feeling is not conflicting yet completing. I feel whole, as if my every essence is brimming and teaming with life, everlasting love and infinite spirit. I am free from the torments of my mind, free from the expectations of myself and others, free from the bottomless pit of longing that resided within, free to travel and experience the universe as I desire. I am a fiercely empowered Goddess with the whole world unfolding before me like the endless waves of a boundless ocean. I feel only a deep sense of gratitude and acceptance towards all that I will come to see and experience, towards all that I will come to learn and share. No one can take this from me for it is who I am. I am an embodiment of ultimate freedom and Unconditional Love.

Through a deep understanding of acceptance we come to truly free ourselves. Shedding our expectations of how we think things “should” turn out or how we believe people “should” act. In freeing ourselves of these expectations, we become love itself. For love is unconditional, love is acceptance and most importantly love is freedom.

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No one outside ourselves can rule us inwardly. We know this when we become free. 
~Buddha~

I am at one, at one with myself, at one with all that IS. As this never ending sense of freedom fills my body, my mind wanders creatively to all the many possibilities that are presented before me, I feel no desire to choose. I feel no desire to go out of my way to decide, only to respond to what manifests before me. For there is a great wisdom in allowing things to play out, in not feeling the need to make a decision out of a fear of losing out.

Through this wisdom we allow our souls; our intuition, to guide us to where we are supposed to be. Our souls know no limits, our souls are wildly and fiercely free.
Freedom is limitless when it is total. Yet so frequently, it’s true nature, its true potential, is misunderstood.

In the western world that so many of us live in today we are blessed with so much physical freedom, to do as we choose, to go where we please and to say what we want.  A gift for which we must be extremely grateful.

Yet ask yourself, are you truly free? Are you embodying freedom to its totality?
We are told that we are free, free to do as we choose or as we wish, yet are we truly free if we are being controlled by our conditioned minds? Conditioning that influences our thoughts, feelings and desires. Conditioning that we are subjected to by society, by the media and by all of those around us. Ask yourself; how much of what you think, feel or want is truly yours?

We are always going to be influenced to a certain extent by our environments, our cultures, our relationships etc. but we must become aware. Aware of what is the influence of the external world and what is not. In doing so we give ourselves the freedom to choose what we allow to shape us and what we simply experience, observe and then let go. Become the witness, observe what influences you and how it influences you. Ask yourself is it ultimately beneficial to your growth and happiness? Choose the environments and energies you surround yourself with wisely, allow them to become a reflection of your inner journey. Choose to connect with the beings that inspire you, not those who hold expectation over you.

To be truly free we must free ourselves of our conditioning, of our negative thought patterns, of our fear and of our need to be constantly doing and achieving. It is only then, when we are truly enlightened from who we were told to be or think we are, that we taste the indescribably empowering essence of limitless freedom. Find your freedom, filter through the clutter in your mind. Distinguish between what is yours and free yourself from what no longer serves you. Free yourself from all that you have been told to think or feel, empower and ground yourself in the reality of who YOU truly are, away from all of this. You are an eternal being of Love and Light who holds within such immeasurable potential, potential with which you have the complete freedom to do completely as you please. Fight for your freedom, for you are a warrior queen/king and no one can take that from you, not even your own mind.

The movement of my mind

My mind moves, constantly changing its perception in sync with the waves of emotion that course through my body, forever flowing, they never seize, like the cycles of life.  The depth that this emotional wave affects me too is beyond conception of anyone outside my mind. As my mind falls out of alignment with my heart, my emotions un align from my actions, I plateau. I reach a place of stillness where only my mind remains revolving, processing, yet also procrastinating. My true self is ultimately so aware of the mind, yet that does not stop it from taunting constantly with its trivial little games. As the wave lulls my mind jumps at the opportunity to revolve around negative patterns yet my true self is too aware for this to go unnoticed. I feel my mind wander only to be caught by self a few minutes later. This doesn’t make it feel any easier, the chatter becomes predictable almost as if self knows the games the mind is playing, she has heard this tune many a time, yet can only accept and look on amused, allowing the wave to lull, only to then peak again. The reality of this observation is one of true beauty. To truly observe and know one’s mind unlocks limitless potential within you. Living outside of the mind, the world truly becomes magical. I feel the strongest parts of my mind play on the remaining insecurities, hoping to sink the self into the depths of the wave, yet self prevails. My mind’s eye becomes tinted in correlation to where I am in my wave, at its depths a dark tint shrouds my world consuming every part and thought within it. Yet even within the depths of my mind the true self exists; The warrior queen of Unconditional Love and Light that is always observing.. a gentle reminder from reality. Reality always surpasses the mind, true alignment is impossible to compete with.

As my wave continues its dance I  come to accept and allow the natural cycle of my universe, I appreciate my journey as it is when it is, for it is all that exists. Each moment brings clarity as it occurs just as it was meant to occur. I feel complete compassion for my journey, acting in each moment with alignment to my emotions, allowing them to dictate my path as the mind strays from its true purpose. Time is my ally, only time will bring true clarity. I accept that there is no absolute clarity for the only clarity that truly exists is that which you know in the NOW, yet does there need to be any other?
Would it even be real if there was?
I know the answers,
I embody the answers, 
I am the answers.